chuck norris

[Geme]

15 Facts about Chuck Norris(who, btw, stars in the greatest show of all time: Walker, Texas Ranger)

1. Chuck Norris tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is Charles. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFKs head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually Chuck Norrismore than meets the eye, Chuck Norrisrobot in disguise, and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, Bang!

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen,axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying booya.

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norriss wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, Dont worry about it honey, and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, Never question Chuck Norris.

13. Chuck Norris took my ladyfriend's virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If youre thinking to yourself, Thats impossible, I already lost my virginity., then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is his way.

No. 5 is for Starscream

[Neo-Lobo]

They were just telling Chuck Norris jokes in the office today, great time to check the msg boards. I like no 9.

[Kilroy]

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y.

Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was

Mr. T, and it was a warning.

Mr. T wasn't born, he shed a woman.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T once stared at a woman for three seconds. She instantly became pregnant.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T recently went on fear factor. Not as a guest, but as an obstacle.

Apparently the contestents had to stare at Mr. T's bling for at least 1 second. The show was cancelled to to lack of participation.

Contrary to popular belief, the ancient world knew of 5 elements, not
4. They were earth, air, fire, water and pity. Mr. T invented them all.

In Rocky III, there is a scene where Mr. T invites Adrian, played by Talia Shire, to come over to his apartment "to see what a real man is like". This scene had to be shot an astounding 137 times due to the fact that Shire kept repeatedly tearing her clothes off, jumping on Mr. T, and begging for "the chocolate sauce".

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the fuck down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts. 1

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

[XoR]

ROFL!

[BadAsh]

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie the fuck down.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel! Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.


Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

During a stay at Neverland Ranch in the 80's, Vin Diesel was awoken by Michael Jackson who was trying to sneak into his bed. Vin punched
Jackson so hard that he knocked the black right off of him.

Vin Diesel had a staring contest with the sun. The sun blinked.

[Undead_Mercenary]

HAHA, these are great! Now we're only missing one for Ahnold.